who? well he was my step dad. in many ways and for many years just a dad. they married when i was 5 so all my early memories include him. and what is strange if people didn't know it they always said we looked alike. sandy blonde hair, light eyes, my mom had the thick dark hair, so was not weird that people just assumed he was my "real" dad. he was in my life til i was 18. then seperated i didn't see him except once when i was 21 and pregnant with my first, but it was at a courthouse and well i was sitting with my mom so we did not speak. strange. then the next year he was gone. a victim of himself. his indulgences, his addictions, his heart could not outlive them. he was 42. i am now 36. that is so very strange. no matter what their issues, and they had many, he was never mean to me. not ever. i think he genuinely liked and loved me as i did him. i did not like "them" as a unit, they were poison to each other, i disliked what he did, but i did not dislike him. i loved him. he loved music as do i, we even sang a duet and made one of those corny "record your own songs" at the boardwalk in NJ one year, "Seperate Lives" a phil collins song (hey it WAS the 80's), he was funny, i think we got in trouble a lot together with my mom, he took me to my father daughter sock hop dance, i wore a poodle skirt and horrible braces, he looked like arthur fonzarelli only better, he won the trophy for "fonziest father", he loved the beach, he took me driving when my mom just couldn't get in the car with me, he LOVED roller coasters, he loved playing golf he liked the bar a little too much and being the life of the party, but the party left him behind. i have never been to his grave. maybe someday i will. but this little form of denial is like he is just gone, not really gone. i don't think about it much. i am so much older now. but when i do allow myself to, i miss him, the good parts of him. how can i not, he was not the husband who did wrong by me, he was just my dad. my every day, around the house, dad.
now it is late. rehashing all this ancient history has made me sad. if onlys. oh well. but having typed these memories i can now, more than 20 minutes before, say i am a lucky lucky woman. i have a good partner. a friend, a father. i know with all the certainty life allows us that my kids will not type a post such as i just did. they have a solid dad.