my mind is not focusing much, i am more than a bit preoccupied. i have an impending surgery in 2 and a half weeks. i feel it looming down on me. i can't sleep well. i am restless and scatter brained. truth be told, i am scared. and sad. and worried. and i can no longer hide it. not to get into any yucky details but 5 years ago i gave birth to my most beautiful boy, kellen. his entry into this world was one of the best and worst days of my life rolled into 1. now that he is 5 and healthy and thriving it is a bit easier to discuss, but truth be told he almost died that day. he was saved by quick thinking and action on my OB's behalf. it was a roller coaster ride of a day starting at 8 am, but when things turned from questionable to dire around 9 pm, she looked me i the eye and said, "this baby needs to come out NOW kristin. right now." you never question this woman. she commands a room. she is pure awesomeness and a force of nature. she is the kind of woman you either dislike or love. there is no middle ground. i happen to be way on the love side. i trust her implicitly. i knew she meant business. she then said the room was going to fill up with people but i was to only look and listen to her, no one else. yep got it! she said you and me are going to get this baby out together. so i went from dilating to 10 to delivered in i think 2 pushes and her pulling. no time for drugs or c section. he was in serious distress. once his head emerged it was clear why. he had a double nuchal cord. his umbilical cord was wrapped tight, not once, but twice around his tiny neck and each contraction it tightened and cut off his oxygen. it was so tight she could only get his head out and had to cut the cord right then without delivering the body. she then loosed him and quickly delivered his body and handed him off to the waiting nicu team that filled my room. it was the worst few seconds of my life waiting to hear him cry. he did. he pinked up and was perfectly fine after a good once over by the doctors. finally we could all exhale. phew. but the collateral damage was yet to be seen. i tore horribly. 4th degree tear. that was damage you could see. the hidden damage was what it did to my insides. after recouping it was clear my body was changed, not for the better. i had trouble going to the bathroom. at first there was hope that the trauma was just new and that in time my connective tissues and body would resume normalcy. it did not. it has only worsened. i could not get repaired then since we knew we would like 1 more baby. 1 sibling close in age to kellen, since taylor was already 11 years old when he was born. so we tried again and were blessed with little casey 2 years later. her birth went relatively smooth. i joke that my body saved the best for last. i was to have this surgery last year but did not. i panicked and put it off and then eventually canceled. i can no longer delay it, so it is scheduled, on my calendar in pen, no backing out this time.
so here is where i need your help. i need ideas . maybe a good book suggestion (something light and fun), or things i can do while i am laid up. i will need to keep my mind busy so not to dwell on what i can't do for those first 6 weeks home. i will not be able to lift anything over 10 pounds for those 6 weeks. that feels like a really long time for me who is always lifting things over 10 pounds every day. my toddlers, the groceries, the laundry, the snow shovel, all off limits to me. i will have great help of my husband and mom. they will be my hands. but for me who has always been independent and hard working at home making, this will be a very difficult time for me. i am not good at letting go, surrendering. i admit it. i guess this is another one of those lessons in patience that i buck to my core. it makes me sick to my stomach thinking about it.
also any recipes that can be easily prepared ahead of time and then frozen to be used during that time as well. we eat and cook almost every meal at home. so i would like to have a bunch prepared the week before, a way i can help out those that will be taking care of me.
thanks! i appreciate any suggestions right now. maybe it will get me to focus on some things i CAN do and not focus on what is coming and what i won't be able to do.