Wednesday, March 17, 2010
here i go again
well the verdict is in, and unfortunately it is not great news. i need to return for a second surgery. so on tuesday i have to face all those fears again. i was so very scared that day, but i kept giving myself that pep talk that it was one day, just one day and it would be over and i would be on my way to healing. then the past 6 weeks of trying to heal only to have setback after setback after setback. i am skeptical, angry, disappointed, tired, sad. the truth is, i want to turn my back on all of this and run away from it, but that is not possible. some days i just want to be selfish and yell why me?! it took me 5 years to face this surgery, i put it off for fear that something would go wrong, and now that worry has become real. now i have to put all that aside and find faith that this second surgery will be a success. i am having trouble doing that. it will be a much lesser surgery this time around. that is one positive thing i hold onto. the weather is beginning to break and spring is beginning to feel like a real possibility rather than a far off fantasy. i want to be well, i want to play outside, i want to pick up my kids again without thinking twice about it. so if i want those things i guess i need to give myself that pep talk again, one more day kristin, one more time... i hope this time i am right.