well the verdict is in, and unfortunately it is not great news. i need to return for a second surgery. so on tuesday i have to face all those fears again. i was so very scared that day, but i kept giving myself that pep talk that it was one day, just one day and it would be over and i would be on my way to healing. then the past 6 weeks of trying to heal only to have setback after setback after setback. i am skeptical, angry, disappointed, tired, sad. the truth is, i want to turn my back on all of this and run away from it, but that is not possible. some days i just want to be selfish and yell why me?! it took me 5 years to face this surgery, i put it off for fear that something would go wrong, and now that worry has become real. now i have to put all that aside and find faith that this second surgery will be a success. i am having trouble doing that. it will be a much lesser surgery this time around. that is one positive thing i hold onto. the weather is beginning to break and spring is beginning to feel like a real possibility rather than a far off fantasy. i want to be well, i want to play outside, i want to pick up my kids again without thinking twice about it. so if i want those things i guess i need to give myself that pep talk again, one more day kristin, one more time... i hope this time i am right.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
here i go again
well the verdict is in, and unfortunately it is not great news. i need to return for a second surgery. so on tuesday i have to face all those fears again. i was so very scared that day, but i kept giving myself that pep talk that it was one day, just one day and it would be over and i would be on my way to healing. then the past 6 weeks of trying to heal only to have setback after setback after setback. i am skeptical, angry, disappointed, tired, sad. the truth is, i want to turn my back on all of this and run away from it, but that is not possible. some days i just want to be selfish and yell why me?! it took me 5 years to face this surgery, i put it off for fear that something would go wrong, and now that worry has become real. now i have to put all that aside and find faith that this second surgery will be a success. i am having trouble doing that. it will be a much lesser surgery this time around. that is one positive thing i hold onto. the weather is beginning to break and spring is beginning to feel like a real possibility rather than a far off fantasy. i want to be well, i want to play outside, i want to pick up my kids again without thinking twice about it. so if i want those things i guess i need to give myself that pep talk again, one more day kristin, one more time... i hope this time i am right.
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32 comments:
You have an inner light that radiates health. You will heal. You have to believe. Women are so resilient! I will be thinking of you -be well, K.
-Paula
You have to know you're such a shining force for so many! You radiate so much positivity. Know that many many people are holding you in their thoughts (even all the way over here in Thailand;)). Take care.
- Ange
i'm sorry to hear it's not going as planned. :O( i know the feeling of not being able to pick up your littles, or doing it and regretting it (physically, not emotionally!) for the rest of the day. sigh. i wish i had better words for you. you can do it again, and we'll rally our best mojo for you so that this really WILL be the last time. hang in there-you'll get through and we'll help in our far away ways :O)
oh, kristin... i wish i could reach through the computer and give you a big hug. i am so sorry. i know what you mean about being afraid of surgery. i know you can do it and you will be okay.
i like what paula and ange said to you. you do radiate light and positivity. keep those images in mind as you go into surgery. think of one of your sun flare photos and remember that light is also within in you.
you can endure. you will heal.
{{{{hugs}}}}
I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers my sweet Shutter Sister.
I'm sorry. Let's hope this one is the fix. XOXO.
you have inspired my photography in the last year, more than you can know.
you are stronger than you believe, braver than you think.....
i made a picture the other day and i now think it was for you. this is the only way i know to send it to you.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/sparkleandtwirl/4437338436/
may your angels watch over you and your beloveds.
*
sending you hugs!!!
Oh Kristin, I know you can rally and do this. And maybe it sounds a bit strange, but things already went a bit awry right? So this time things have to go smoothly! It's your turn!
And while I know not being able to play in the nice weather is hard, surely it will be more uplifting to be able to see the sun and flowers each day this time around.
Thinking of you -- remember, you are a strong momma! (((you)))
i need to follow your link to your other post, as i do not know what it is that is going on. i had seen some comments on your flickr site about "getting well", so i knew there was some health issue, but i did not know what.
but even without knowing what it is, i can say that you are in my prayers and thoughts. i have recently had some medical tests done and slightly disconcerting things going on with my health. so i can identify with those fears.
hoping and praying that all works out for such a beautiful soul as you.
oh, K...i really wish i could send a big huge hug in the mail. But i think this time around things will go much better, you'll be able to lay in the sunshine and let your body heal. I'll be thinking of you and wishing nothing but positiveness for you. :) Hope it all goes well. :) ((((BIG HUG))))
Tina
I haven't been following your blog that long but your struggle hits home. I wish you the best and hope this will be the success you need! Thoughts and prayers!
Spring always brings new beginnings, and it will for you too. Sending all the good vibes I can muster. Be well.
Kate S.
your honesty will be a life boat for someone today..you touch so many with your artistry and light.
thinking of you as you go through this..blessings
I am so sorry. I wish that I could tell you that everything will be ok. I don't know that though....but I do know that your place in the world is special....you are special. Your children know that. I believe that special people receive special answers. I hope yours arrives soon. smiles.
So sorry to hear that - I know it's not what you expected. Sending lots of healing well wishes and strength your way.
(((hugs))) i wish i had words of wisdom to make it be better. just know that i'm thinking of you.
Loads of love. It will be okay, you must have earned a ton of karma by now. <3
sending you all my very best wishes for a speedy recovery this time around - you certainly deserve it!
thanks every one.
one day at a time right?
xo
just wanted you to know you will be in my thoughts for a full and speedy recovery
Kristin,
okay to put it bluntly, this sucks.. I am so sorry you are going through this again. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Kristen
I'm so sorry to hear that you have to go through another surgery. I had my first surgery last year around this time, and I can relate so much to how you feel about it. But you're right. It too will pass. Sending lots of love your way, and prayers for an easier recovery than last time.
Maile
:)
Surgery sucks. No other way around it. I'm so sorry that you have to go through it again. I wish you an able surgeon, a speedy recovery and a glorious early spring.
Oh Kristin...I'm so sorry that this is what it is. Much love, many prayers, and big hugs are coming your way! xo
I will be thinking of you and praying for you that you have strength, comfort and no fear. Don't ever let go of your faith. It's one thing that can hold you up, like nothing else. :-)Michelle
Praying for you over here, Kristin. Praying that all the beauty you put out into the world comes back to you... comes back to make your body whole. Praying peace.
I am praying for ya.
It will all go well. I believe in it and you can beat those fears.
Hugs
Oh lovey, I am so, so sorry. Yes, please do hold on to hope...it will be ok.
all my love,
a.
please just know that i know a little of what you're going through.
last summer it was a huge blow and just so hard to grasp when my husband had to go back for a second emergency surgery due to a complications from a first one only weeks prior. however, recovering the second time around, it was so obvious that he was healing for real this time. i'm hoping the same for you.
(a big difference being that the second time around for us we only had one hour between when the doctor informed us that it was necessary and the surgery taking place to go from being in disbelief, to coming to terms with the news, and then to anticipate. i'm not sure whether that was easier or harder. like most things, possibly both.)
i'm so sorry you're going through this.
you are young and strong and have so much love and support around you.
lots of love coming your way.
xoxo
I missed this:( I am sorry. hope today it is over and all is okay:) xo
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