Thursday, September 10, 2009

day 3~my fears come true

this morning he woke slow.
his eyes all puffy from sleep.
he told his daddy he wanted me to come see him in his bed.
i did.
he then asked in this teary voice to please stay home.
"please mommy i want to stay home with you and casey.  i miss you.  i don't want to go. the playground is too crowded."
(enter my waning game face as i said these words.)
"oh but you will have fun!  you will learn a new song and can come home and teach it to me!   you will play, and your new friends would miss you! ( all words i am supposed to say but sound hollow and empty even to me.)
no dice.  no fooling him today. 
daddy did get him to get dressed by making it a fun race, while i got his breakfast ready.
he ate and put on his jacket and we walked out to the bus stop.
he then again looked at me... 
"please mommy i don't want to gooooooo."
i hoped that shiny yellow bus would bring even a small smile since yesterday's smile was so big,  but no.  this morning it brought wet eyes and a very sad little boy, while me and my game face (i hate that face) walked him to the bus steps and told him i would see him soon.  and my heart broke all over the place as i know his did too, and the worst part was i was the one breaking his.

oh kellen mommy is so sorry.
mommy loves you SO much.
and i miss you more than you can ever know.

morning day 3 sucks 


Pumpkinmama said...


MamaLizKnits said...

Hug! I so know!

Julie Alvarez said...

Oh, K... take it slow and easy on you. It will change, this will pass.
It's always hard to embrace changes. But you are so lucky that he got to TELL YOU what was bothering him. The crowdiness of the playground. So you have a hint to what to work on with him. How to approach that subject (and many others that might come). You can talk about that, play and practice moves in other places together when it's crowdy, so he feels confident and comfortable later when he is at school.
It's strange though that they start all day long all of the sudden. Zoe goes to kinder for seven hours a day also. But they started with one or two hours, then three or four, then adding lunch, and finally, two weeks later they were doing the full schedule.
Anyway, that "fake" face is awfull, but you know what? (I am no one to give advice, it's just that I've been there four months ago...) I came to have that face for real by making a detailed work of thinking possitive about school time. Not "fighting" the negative feelings with forced possitive ones, but rather thinking with a smile what wonderful things I could do if I was to be in kinder again, and imagining myself running freely after the other kids, and opening my eyes big infront of something new the teacher proposed me.
Soooo...... I guess what I am trying to say is that if you believe strongly that this is the best (or even the only thing you could do right now), he will be just fine because YOU will be just fine, for real. And encouraging words will come easy out of your mouth and with a real smile.
And if you can't, remember it will pass, and also that we are here, to hug you so so strong!

gonzomama said...

crying here too.
sending you our love and support. i bet he comes home with a smile!

Char said...

sorry honey....sorry

my niece had a hard time too but we had to explain it was a job and we all have jobs. she sort of got that.

Amy Bradstreet said...

What to say, except that I feel for you and that precious boy? You know which way I'd flick my wand if it was up to sorry momma. Big big hugs.

xanthe said...

so sorry momma, not easy. makes me remember those times, with a tear in my eye x.

Diane said...


teaworthy said...

We are dealing with the exact same thing right now with our 4 year old. Her playground anxiety has taken over. We've tried going there when it's empty and doing role play about it. To her, it is too loud, too busy, too much. Her teachers came up with letting her carry out sidewalk chalk as something consistent that can just be hers and can be something that stays the same with all of the other changing variables. We haven't figured it out yet, but that is helping. I am right there with you.

Jen said...

Momma-take Ms. Alvarez's advice soundly. Wow caring and insightful, Yes, I know it won't make it easier over night:(( but I'm so glad you have so many other momma's that share your feelings to lean on. NOw we just have to get them (and me) brooms so we can all fly up and make you a chicken and pour you some wine with a big group hug:) love you so much

hipmomma said...

SAME thing is happening at my house. My kinder came home today and said, "I was thinking on the bus today that I could maybe stay home for just one day?" Uh, I'm so sad for her. But I know she does have a good time. She just has moments of being tired and that's when she thinks of me.

Anonymous said...

thinking of you both. i know how hard this is. one day at a time, right? wishing i could give you a big hug right now.

Hay said...

Awwww Kellen, big hugs little dude.
And big hugs momma, I'm so sorry.

mames said...

oh oh oh. i hear the breaking.

i feel it a little bit too. i cannot quite figure out if it is right, the choice to have them try school this is not going easy for any of us. and this with only a day a week when we are not in the classroom. i hope each day brings a glimmer of change and some tiny bit that grows into fun and joy and fun for all of us.

the other night mace said at bed time 'daddy mama no'. :( and i thought he liked it. so hard, to release them, even a little bit, into the world at large. hang in there, beautiful mama. he knows where home is.

kristin said...

i. am. so. sorry.

this tugs at every part of me.

mama bear is coming out and stopping that bus.

Aimee Greeblemonkey said...

Awww. I sorry.

sfgirlbybay said...

it will get better. do you know i broke my mother's ankle on the first day of kindergarten just trying to drag her back to the car? it's true. i got out of school that day!!

i never did get used to the kid sitting next to me who wet his pants daily, but the rest turned out pretty good. hang in there, girl! i'm sure he'll come around.

jackie said...

My heart just broke too! I'm glad to see things are looking up a little, and you had the weekend for sharing time. Here's to a bright and sunny week this week. The mama game face, the tough love - it does suck! I think Julie's advice is wonderful!